Life has a way of throwing curveballs to keep the game interesting. Just when you think you've got it figured out, something new comes up in another area to ask for more from you and encourage you to grow.
My something new is a breast tumor.
Before getting into a panic I want to share about how specifically not getting into a panic is always serving, no matter the curveball.
And here I will also add a spoiler alert - I'm ok, but of course if you know me you also know that no matter what I always will find a way to be.
I also want to talk about some little known facts about the law of attraction, healing and reality itself because it may serve if you ever find yourself in a similar situation, whether it be relating to your own health, relationships, finance or world events.
Let's rewind to the year 2000 when I woke one morning with hands swollen to the size of balloons. I went to the hospital where they told me I had pneumonia, which was the first of many different diagnosis I would have for the next 20 years relating to the interesting ways my body would manifest different ailments ranging from the mild to crippling. The most dire of these diagnosis was in 2005 when a doctor informed me I had Lupus.
I believe my own health journey was the direct prelude to my present work as a healer. It taught me deep deep body awareness and the subtle way in which the mind can affect matter. It also taught me to listen very very carefully to the vibrations that come from the physical vessel which lead me to be able to 'hear' information about others as well.
In those 20 years I was told over and over how my body was betraying me. How it was fighting and destroying itself. How it was my enemy, that it would prevent me from having children (it didn't) that eventually I would have no mobility (never happened) and how it was a ticking time bomb, where any organ could fail at any moment.
The whole thing sounded absolutely ridiculous to me.
Though I wasn't yet a channel for Vagrein, I suspect they were whispering this in my ear that whole time:
The body cares for you unconditionally. It is always in service to you. Every perceived misalignment or pain or discomfort is your body loving you unconditionally. It is its way of communicating with you. What is perhaps not the case is you understanding or listening to the communication from your body. - Vagrein
I learnt to strike a balance between the medical world and my own beliefs about wellness. I participated in the game of test, measures, medications and diagnosis while slowly letting go of the fear or belief that anything could possibly actually be 'wrong' with me. And eventually, even in the hardest days when there was no way to get up from my bed, I stopped feeling like a victim to my body or physical he
alth and understood the perfection in my situation.
And then, suddenly, I simply wasn't unwell ever again.
20 years of the pattern of being well for a period and then having a flare vanished. I took my latest bloodtests to the doctor and he looked for the indications of the Lupus or the Arthritis or the MCTD and couldn't find them.
I asked "Doc, if I cam in here with these tests today, without my previous medical history, what would you say? What would you diagnose?'
He replied 'I'd tell you to get out of my office, there's nothing wrong with you.'
I left and destroyed the 2 decades of medical records I kept at home to monitor this dangerous foe that had been my body. The war was over.
In those 20 years I did learn a lot about mind over matter and am ridiculously grateful for what my body pushed me into learning. I was only 20 with my first diagnosis, which meant my sense of youth and invincibility was challenged far earlier that it is for most people - and so was my sense of mortality. Many times information was shared with me that my quality of life or life itself would be less than expected because of the condition of my health.
I learnt that nobody knows what the hell they're talking about and the more you believe in the negative the more it manifests in your life.
My 'disease' taught me ease. It taught me to choose my beliefs. It taught me firsthand that I create my reality.
And back to the present...
I felt a lump in my breast during a breast massage 8 months ago and as I was having general check ups had an eco-graph and mammogram as well. There were indeed 2 lumps and they looked pretty good - neat borders, uniform, probably just your regular everyday fibroadenoma. The advice was to keep an eye on it and check back in 6 months.
I went away pretty relaxed about it as I had had cysts in the past and prefer not to focus on anything that isn't bringing more peace, but after a few months I noticed it was getting easier to find in the surrounding tissue and was it? could it be? growing?
The lovely doctors performing the next ultrasound asked for my consent to do a biopsy on the spot and I went off back into my life to wait for the results.
Ladies and gentlemen, here is a pro tip with regards to law of attraction - If you are waiting to find out if something is good or bad news fill your life with fun! Do the things you love to do. Be creative. Spend time with people who support you. Use all of that nervous energy and channel it into making that waiting period as exciting, fun, beautiful, nourishing and vibrant as possible.
When you're standing outside Schrodinger's box and you may or may not have a dead cat on your hands, enjoy the time you have before quantum superposition ends and reality resolves into one possibility or the other you have POWER to call in the reality you choose.
Simultaneously, realize and look at the parts of you that actually WANT the 'negative' outcome. All fear is fantasy. A part of us sees disaster and wants to have that experience. Fear and leaning into fear or focusing on it is a way not only to manifest it, but to show us where we are being sloppy with our desires. Releasing fear is releasing the secret subconscious desire of the negative outcome we are imagining.
Where was I secretly wanting to be unwell? Where was I secretly wanting a battle with my health?Where was I secretly wanting Cancer?
I have been thrown enough curveballs in my life to know without a shadow of a doubt that life is always working FOR me, no matter how it looks. Each and every challenge has had its gift. This crossroads was no different.
I got a call on the Thursday to come in for the results on the Friday morning and of course looked up the name of the doctor who I'd be meeting with immediately. Uh oh, she's an expert in oncological surgery.
This was my first major wobble... my mind shouted 'There's no way they'd have you meet with their cancer gal if it wasn't cancer!! You're doooomed, doomed, doomed I tells ya!!'
Yeah, my mind is weird... but immediately afterwards I also heard Arnold Schwarzenegger's voice say 'It's not a Tumor' from Kindergarten Cop and I remembered how much humour there is in the universe and how this is all really, just a movie/game/simulation.
I started a knitting project; which is my go-to to stop thoughts/emotions and I went to bed early.
The next day I awoke and decided to get my vibration to the highest flying disk (as Abraham Hicks would call it) possible. I played some nice music, had a beautiful shower, made fun plans for later in the day and focused on what would be after my diagnosis, no matter what i heard in the doctors office. I decided how I wanted to feel and then decided to feel it right there and then. Unconditional joy.
I also decided I was not afraid to look honestly at the aforementioned questions. I saw I was secretly wanting the negative diagnosis for various reasons:
I have had a hard year and am desiring of more external support on an emotional level.
Having a negative diagnosis would call in this support/sympathy for sure.
Being unwell gave me the opportunity to become a hero of my own story as I overcame another challenge.
I could have a 'war story' to tell to people.
I would be way more present and value my relationships more.
I would become more fearless.
I would be able to prioritize in my life better
I would have more motivation to complete projects that I have been putting off.
I would be able to ask for help more easily
I would cherish my time with my kids more
I'd take things less seriously
I'd be less worried about the future
Hey... a negative diagnosis wasn't looking so bad after-all. I allowed my mind to continue down this road as I continued walking down the road to the doctors and more and more benefits kept coming to me. Wow! Bad news was suddenly good news! A bad outcome was suddenly the best thing that could happen! Look at how many of the many things I want, a negative diagnosis would facilitate.
I had a smile from ear to ear. This was great!
And then the smile got even bigger as I remembered my humorous companion of the universe and Vagrein's wisdom:
You want to have the opportunity to rise to the occasion because without the occasion you do not believe you could rise. We are saying that you can. You can rise to the occasion without the occasion. - Vagrein
I laughed out loud. I think I may have even snorted like a pig. Of course! Of course I didn't need Cancer to have all of those amazing gifts that having cancer would give me! I can ask for more emotional support! I can be the hero of my story! I can tell my story to others! I can be more present in relationships! I can and am fearless! I can get more organized! I can do those dream projects! I can cherish my kids more! I can laugh and realize it's all just this hilarious joke! I can stop worrying about what's not here yet.
I don't need anything to have all of those desires met, right in this NOW without a negative consequence or diagnosis to motivate it!
I felt so good when I walked up to reception at that doctors and strutted right into the office with her and sat myself down. It didn't matter what she said because either way I had the upgrade, I got the gift. Now it was just a question of seeing in what direction the movie went. Would there be this adventure or that adventure? The outcome was the same so it didn't matter which script we were going to play out. I had risen to the occasion on the way there. My attitude was 'bring it on'.
And yes, she told me I have a tumor... But... the universe is funny...
It's called a Phyllodes Tumor and lab tests confirm it's benign and can be removed entirely with surgery. It's not Cancer. It doesn't require other treatments. It's really rare, accounting for only 1% of all biopsy results.
I find the comedy in the fact that in opening the box, there wasn't a black or white answer to my query... From the moment of the biopsy until she spoke I believed the only two options were I have to have the full experience of healing from breast cancer or nothing needed to be done at all. There's another lesson for me in this grey area in between the two.
The reason I am sharing all of this with you is because I hope that you can take some tools away with you if you are ever facing some uncertainty. I learnt far too much from this experience to not share it.
I am also extremely excited for the opportunity, between now and September when I have my next scan before surgery to, for the first time ever, use my Pranic Healing gifts on myself. It is my intention to see how much I can shrink the tumors myself before the scan. I'm doing this because it feels so fun to me to take on this challenge and because I would love to watch the look of surprise on the doctors' faces. I don't know if it's possible or not, that's for the universe to decide as it calculates all the components, but the fact that it feels so fun and exciting to play in this way is the indication I need to go ahead with it.
With renewed faith that everything is offered up to us with complete grace, I send you all my love,